After I was baptized, I did not go to church because my pride caused me to think that I could read the Bible and study the truth by myself. That kind of religious meeting did not fit to a so-called rational man. This situation lasted for half a year, then it came to the point that I had to decide for my future, either to study or to find a job. That almost caused me a nervous breakdown. At that time I went to the church to fellowship with one brother, and I began to realize that living the Christian life is not just to shut the door and read the bible by yourself; all the brothers and sisters matter. Then, more and more students got saved and we started to have the student fellowship. This eventually became the happiest memory of my university life.
Before I came to the UK, I had the desire to serve the church with other university workers without knowing that this was just my own ambition. In the first three months, by God’s mercy, some of the gospel friends got baptized and eventually we had more and more students joining the student fellowship. But last year I suffered from depression for four months and my service in the church also stopped. Today, I can say that I would sell this experience with one hundred million pounds, but I would not want to buy it again with one penny.
First of all, regarding myself, I had a very pessimistic disposition. My world is always grey and cloudy. Friends who know me deeply would always get frustrated by what I say. The way I think is always from the negative angle, and learning law and sociology just confirmed my viewpoint even more, which is why I enjoyed learning it. Since I was in high school, having no friends plus the pressure of study caused me to think of suicide a lot. When I went to the university, my friends were always around me; and though I still suffered from depression, I may also forget it within a very short time by being with friends again. Therefore, my depression was always like a thorn hidden in my inner being.
Secondly, the brothers and sisters in the church are mostly from rich families. Though we have the same faith, I have to say it was difficult to have common topic with them. During that time, I talked to them about my problem but none of them seemed to truly understand. I talked to the elders and that did not work immediately, but I knew they prayed for me. I could only cry in the presence of God and that was really the taste of death. Eventually, my depression somehow went away, and I regained the strength and even started to enjoy loneness. I am not bothered by this depression any more. This experience also exposed me that my service is out of my own ambition. I started to realize that to serve the Lord, what one does is not as important as how one does it.
Later on, I felt drier and drier in my spirit; I had so many questions that no answers could be found. The student fellowship became more and more like a social club: the Bible study was changed to learning various topics, which are always around the topic of marriage, how to make friends, how to manage your time, relationship with parents, not having sex before marriage, and even how to date. I do not mean these are unimportant, but I want to know Christ! If there is no Christ in the church, what is the difference between the church and the worldly counseling? In fact, concerning those topics, the later could provide something much further than the former. Then, by the Lord’s mercy, I went into contact with the Lord’s recovery, and I am now in the full-time training. During this weeks’ pre-training, I am totally attracted by the teachings. Sometimes I could hardly open my mouth to convey what I have seen and heard here. Because I always desire to go deeper into the truth and this training has given me new nourishments and made me alive again.
Last week, I talked to my mom about my desire to continue the training, to which my mom said, if I continues, she will cut me off from the family. Then I said, ‘Mom, I love you but I love the Lord more. I feel the peace to be here.’ Then I cried to God, ‘Lord, You have to bless me by causing Your life to grow in me day by day. Now I can only depend on You both financially and emotionally; You have to take care of me.’ As Jesus said that His coming does not bring peace but war, and whoever loves anything more than Him does not deserve the kingdom of God—now I can understand this a little bit. But praise the Lord, even such suffering is His grace. So saints, do pray for me that the Lord may make His home in my hearts and root me and ground me in love.
Verses I enjoyed on the tripartite man:
1 Thessalonians 5:23 A
nd the God of peace Himself sanctify you wholly, and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
For the word of God is living and operative and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing even to the dividing of soul and sprit and of joints and marrow and able to discern the thoughts and intentions of the heart.